Sunday, September 28, 2008

Revoking Independence...?


Subject: Revoking independance...?

A Message adapted and updated from Mr. John Cleese:


To the Citizens of the United States of America:


In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an elderly

gentleman with a bad temper and a lady who thinks she can run foreign

policy because she can see Russia from her house as President and

President-In-Waiting of the USA and thus to risk Life As We Know It for

everyone else on the Planet, we hereby give notice of the revocation of

your independence, effective immediately.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which

she does not fancy). She won't actually be in charge, but she'll greet

foreign leaders as necessary and not put her foot in it or vomit on

anyone at a state dinner.


Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for

America without the need for further elections. You aren't very good at

elections, and unlike the ATM's from the same manufacturer, your voting

machines don't give receipts. So Prime Minister Brown will instead

choose someone who does not have his or her hand in the till and has

significant experience in running Big Things. You have not had one of

those for almost a decade and trust me, it is a big plus. And there

won't be any of that hanging chad nonsense and the three hour wait for

voting while poor or black.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too much

of your money already to rescue incompetent business executives and soon

your American Dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in total

worthlessness. There is no free lunch you know. Although we originally

let you get away with secession because King George was robbing you

blind, recent events demonstrate that your present leaders are doing

much worse things and unfortunately you have not noticed.


A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether more

than half of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11.

Information to the contrary will again be provided by the rest of the

world and we request you read it this time and refrain from invading the

wrong country ever again if you possibly can.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:


You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.


1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the

suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to

acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your

behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of

the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn

your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.


4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. But we have a

lot of Bank Holidays you will enjoy instead. In our country we still

have several banks.


5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to

sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then

you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean.


8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.


9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline), roughly $9 per US gallon. Get used to it. Your

driving armoured cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish and

killing the planet.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato

chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in

animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. And the term

Freedom Fries will not be used in future. Lets remember the French were

right and you were wrong, though it pains me to say so.


11. We will require that people running things, like your government,

are at least moderately competent and not related by blood or bribes to

those who benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more cozy

when your leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is short

sighted: you need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots who know

more about flying and leaders who know more about leading.


12. We respectfully request you give up this notion that Politics is

Entertainment, and that very complicated things have to be explained to

you in less than fifteen seconds. If you wanted to have a democracy,

honestly, you really should have taken the time to understand things a

bit before you voted. May I suggest the startling notion that

politicians don't need to look good to do a good job? And it really is

acceptable if they are a bit boring, so long as they do their homework.


It's especially important as evidently you have not done yours. Poor

old Al Gore and John Kerry. And by the way, are you happy now that you

chose a Governor for California based on his teeth?


13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are

pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be

due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see

what it did for them.


14. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English

dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to

having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


15. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try

Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they

regularly thrash us.


16. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first in their

country. The seven out of ten who don't own a passport will need to get

one first.


17. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


18. An Internal Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due (backdated to 1776). Although this will raise your taxes,

remember that the Neoconservatives will no longer be robbing you blind

and so your Dollars will stop shrinking. Didn't you know that inflation

and government bailouts of huge companies were really paid for by you?

We must do something about your educational system. What on earth is

going on over there? Are you oblivious to the crushing debt you are

leaving your children? You might as well throttle them now.


19. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never

mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in

season.


God Save the Queen. At least God won't instruct your President to

invade any more wrong countries.

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